Avoidant yet Attached – Understanding Disorganised Attachment
Photo by Eliiv-Sonas Aceron
The least talked about attachment style is disorganised attachment, also know as ‘fearful avoidant’ attachment. Attachment styles are somewhat a blueprint to how we interact with the world and those around us. Attachment styles are typically formed in childhood, however life events and relationships can cause them to change. For example, if a securely attached individual encounters and ends up in a relationship with ‘dismissive avoidant’ and there is a significant amount of space, the securely attached may move into a ‘anxious preoccupied’ position.
Attachment Styles explained
When a baby is born they typically rely on their caregiver for their physiological needs such as shelter, food and emotional needs such as love, care and soothing. When a parent is attuned to their child’s needs, the child will form a secure attachment and will typical feel safe in their parents presence. The child will learn that they can depend on other people, and trust them.
On the other hand, if a child is unable to depend on their caregiver, due to their caregiver’s emotional unavailability or if their caregiver is unresponsive, the child will develop an insecure attachment.
The attachment style formed in childhood plays a vital role in how we form relationships with others during our adolescent and adult years. Three types of insecure attachment tend to be formed:
1. Anxious Preoccupied (referred to as Anxious-ambivalent in childhood)
2. Dismissive Avoidant (referred to as Anxious-Avoidant in childhood)
3. Fearful Avoidant (referred to as disorganised in childhood)
The causes of Disorganised Attachment
Disorganised attachment tends to arise from emotional unavailable and/or abusive caregivers. When a disorganised attachment is formed, the caregiver who is suppose to be a form a safety for the child becomes the source of fear. A child can begin to be fear for their safety if the caregiver is highly inconsistent and unpredictable.
As a result, the child will no longer be able to trust the caregiver and will learn indirectly that people cannot meet their physical or emotional needs. Children who form a disorganised attachment, may be inconsistent in their behaviour where they may seek closeness but reject the proximity of a caregiver and distance themselves due to fear.
How Disorganised attachment shows up in Adulthood
In adulthood, disorganised attachment is commonly referred to ‘fearful avoidant’ attachment. On one hand, fearful avoidant’s typically want to be a romantic relationship, but on the other hand they have a strong fear of being hurt. They tend to be afraid of intimacy and avoid proximity – high avoidance and high anxiety.
Adults with a fearful avoidant attachment style, typically anticipate rejection, hurt and disappointment. They typically view potential and current partners as unpredictable. Fearful avoidant’s tend self-sabotage and tend to end relationships prematurely. They may also tend to act in way where they expect to be rejected by their partner when there are no signs to confirm this. They tend to also view themselves and others in a negative light.
8 Characteristics of a Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style
Here a few characteristics of disorganised (fearful) attachment in adults:
Unable to regulate their emotions, have a difficult time when trying to calm themselves down.
Hypervigilant and anxious.
Often feels helpless and ineffective in their lives.
A strong fear of being rejected, hurt, abandoned by loved ones.
Has difficulty opening up to others, bonding and trusting people.
Showcases contradictory behaviour – “I hate you but don’t leave me”.
Alternates between being clingy or aloof
Tends to exhibit behaviours of anxious preoccupied or dismissive avoidant – however most people with this attachment style tend to predominantly lean to the former or the latter.
Healing and Moving towards a Secure Attachment
Healing isn’t linear.
Moving towards a secure attachment is possible but it will take some work and it may be a painful yet rewarding journey. A disorganised attachment can cause a lot of confusion and distress for many when it comes to intimacy and interacting with those around you.
In order to move to a secure attachment style, you will need to learn how to trust people, and you can start by working with a skilled psychotherapist who specialises in attachment difficulties.